Red, white and X-rated

Surreal in a Dali way

Wrexham FC Highlights 1998-9 (Part 3)

As I can't get Sky (I don't want to line Murdoch's bulging pockets anymore, thanks), the BBC seem to have given up on anything that's not show jumping, and ITV shouldn't be allowed to make such a ham-fisted attempt at sports coverage (breaks in the middle of F1 races indeed!), I decided to take the plunge and purchase a WFC highlights video. After watching it repeatedly, I have decided it is a true work of art, but perhaps not for the reasons you're thinking…

Firstly, the front cover. If Salvador Dali had been born in the late-'90s and, by some strange quirk, had been a Wrexham fan, he would have come up with something like this. It's single-handedly one of the most surreal things I have ever seen. There's Flynn, with his usual naughty goblin grin but, bizarrely, with 'Wrexham Lager' written on his forehead. Just above him there's McGregor doing a very convincing impression of Chalk, and then the pinnacle of the whole thing: Deano looking like (I can only apologise for this, but it really has to be seen to understand) he's sat on the toilet after a particularly heavy night on the curry. The whole montage is weird and strange, and just a little bit frightening.

On to the video itself. It covers the period from the FA Cup victory against York to the 4th Round stalemate against Huddersfield. Not the greatest sequence of games in history, but it's not really the matches that make this tape what it is. Firstly, the commentators. Whoever it is that does the Reds' commentary has to be the most excitable man heard on British television since Timmy Mallet. Every time the Robins cross the halfway line, he explodes into a frenzy, shrieking such lines as "Oooh, look at Brammer!!!" at ear-splitting volume. His piece-de-la-resistance comes, however, during the home defeat at the hands of Bournemouth, where Russell is captain for the day. As the replay shows Rooster missing what is essentially an open goal, Mr Excitable bellows: "Oh, what a miss there from Russell, the stand-in kipper." This is followed by a five-second pause, then: "Sorry. Skipper." Worth fifteen quid alone! A special mention must also go to the chap commentating on the Preston away game, who irritatingly and inexplicably, insists on pronouncing North End "No-Earth End".

The second piece of genius concerns the interview segments. Although not quite the quality of the celebrated "You what, like?" Connolly interview, these too are quite bizarre, including one with Deano where, in all honesty, his hair dye seems to be steadily trickling down his face. This, mind, has nothing on the first Flynnie interview on the tape where he appears to be standing in one of the more busy corridors of the Yale Stand as various people shove past him and open and close doors very loudly. A warning: Martin Tyler and Andy Gray this most definitely is not.

So then, although I said that the football is not the highlight of this video, I lied. It contains surely the greatest game of last season - Scunthorpe in the FA Cup. People harp on about those Liverpool-Newcastle 4-3 games of a few years back as footballing epics on the War and Peace scale, but they've evidently not seen this. As hard as it seems, I've actually forgotten some key moments of the game: the Iron's truly vile kit, Cartwright's antics in goal, the sheer quality and cheekiness of Scunthorpe's third equaliser, and the distance I fell down the Kop on seeing King Karl's last-gasp winner hit the back of the net (I'm clearly visible on this video!) There are, of course, some other good games, but this one is worth the fairly hefty price tag alone. And even if the footy isn't great, if you're a fan of Alan Partridge or Monty Python and like things a bit surreal, you can't afford to miss this.

James Morris