SCORING FOR FUN

Carol and Bev go clubbing

by Jackie Beedle

Welcome to the land of make-believe...

The cast: Bev, Carol, Gareth, Mark

B: Right, take a deep breath, here goes.....

C: Hello lads, now don’t tell me, where have we seen you before, was it in that Calvin Klein underwear ad?

B: No, I’m sure it was on TOTP, aren’t you in that boy- band OTT?

G: Yeah, something like that!

M: Well, if that is your best chat-up lines girls, you’ve got a hard job on your hands!

G: Fancy a drink then?

C: Yes, if you’re buying, we’ll have two rum and cokes please.

B: My name’s Bev and this is Carol, what do they call you then?

G: I’m Gaz, and this is a good mate of mine, Macca, and it’s his round!

M: It’s always my round!

B: We know our chat-up lines are a bit corny, but then you have to be don’t you - we know you’re not from a band, you’re footballers aren’t you?

M: That’s right, for the mighty Reds, you didn’t happen to see us in action today did you?

C: Sorry, no I was washing my hair! But my dad did though, he is such a big fan. He hasn’t missed a game since 1979 - he even went on the day I was born, my mum wasn’t too happy about that.

G: Woah, I’m impressed, we could do with more fans like your dad.

B: No, but he does go on about it bit too much for me - it’s his only topic of conversation sometimes!

C: Bless him, but you’ve got to have a hobby haven’t you?

M: Hobby! Football should be your number one, your top priority! You've got to be dedicated if you want to reach the top.

C: Oh no, not another one!

G: Ignore him, he’s a bit carried away at the moment, he nearly scored today, a bit of a novelty for old Macca here!!

B: Anyway, what are you lot doing down here, you don’t usually get many "famous" people in this part of town!

G: We’re out celebrating, we won this afternoon, plus it’s Deano’s birthday tomorrow and he’s getting on a bit now.

B: So, are you going to get down and boogie then?

M: Course we are, but not just at the moment, a few more drinks first.

G: You’d better watch out once our Macca gets going. He's got dancing feet - his right one's particularly good. You’ve seen John Travolta, this guy taught Travolta everything he knows!!

C: Maybe you could show us a thing or two on the dance floor!

M: I’m OK at dancing, but they all take the mick. They’re just jealous cos they’ve got no rhythm! Gaz dances like he plays football - he keeps running into brick walls!

B: Good on you, if you love it, go for it, that’s my motto! Come on!!

C: She’s such a tart!

G: No, she’s got the right idea, but honestly, you’ll wet yourselves when you see him in action!!

M: Right, watch this - come on Bev, let’s boogie!

C: He’s mad, him. Don’t you dance then?

G: Na, I'm always worried about showing myself up. I just like to stand in the middle of the disco and just watch everything go on around me.

C: You mean you’re scared?

G: Did I say that? I just don’t like looking like a divvy, when people know who you are you have to be careful you know, I’ve got my reputation to think of!

C: Ooohh, get you! At least Macca knows how to have a good time and let his hair down a bit. I wish he'd grow it a bit though...

G: Here they are, Fred and Ginger! Have a good time?

B: Yeah, he’s a good little mover!

M: You’re just jealous Gaz, you’re getting too old for this. You're past it mate - you had so much potential. You could have danced for Wales, but you just didn't do it. The story of your life!

G: Careful girls, you know you’ve got competition for another dance with Macca - he’s got a bloke after him!

B: What do you mean, someone here?

M: Ignore him, he thinks he’s being Mr Funnyguy.

C: I’ve noticed that.

G: Tell them about George then. George was showing quite a bit of interest in him at one time!

M: Leave it Gaz, it’s not a bloke after me in that way, it was some football manager in Yorkshire. He lives in a dreamworld sometimes does Gaz. He's just jealous that no blokes are after him - no Premier League blokes anyway!

C: So, where is the birthday boy tonight then, just to change the subject...

M: He’s over there look, at the bar. We’ve been ribbing him all day about his age, he is getting a bit paranoid now!

G: We told him they didn’t allow pensioners in nightclubs and that sort of stuff. He didn’t find it very amusing did he?

M: No, this afternoon he was in a right strop, but we went for a curry earlier and he cheered up a bit then.

C: He looks fine now.

B: Does he dance, or is he another boring wallflower?

G: He’ll be dancing soon enough. And I'll tell you a secret as well. He moves faster in his disco shoes than he ever does in his scoccer boots. Not the quickest, our Deano, and he's got a real Brummy accent. I wouldn't say he's slow to his face though - his bigger than me - a lot bigger! But it's his birthday, so he'll be up soon.

B: Can’t wait to see that - shall we go over and have a chat?

C: Yeah, come on. We could offer him a birthday kiss! An offer he can’t refuse!

M: Come on then, I’ll introduce you.... Deano how you doing mate? I’d like you to meet two new friends of ours, Bev and Carol. They’d like to wish you a happy birthday!

B: Hiya, I’m Bev. I like your hair - did you once have highlights.

C: And I'm Carol, we hear it’s your birthday tomorrow and we’ve come to give you an early birthday kiss!

D: Really?!?! Maybe later girls, remember it’s not my birthday just yet! Hey Gaz, these girls, I've never been so popular! It's a good job they don't watch us play - they wouldn't be swarming round me if they knew what most fans think of me. The last time I was this popular was a couple of years ago, you know, not since that bust-up with Tone over there, remember at Shrewsbury? The fans at the Meadow loved me for that. I was a hero. But since then, I seem to have become Mr Unpopular. The fans seem to have a thing against me.

B: What did I just hear Dean? Nobody loves you? Nobody loves you? I can't believe that. We'll make you feel loved...