The Travelling Hordes

Bryn Jones is a Racecourse steward. He's based in and around the Eric Roberts Builders Stand, so he gets a fantastic insight into the psyche of visiting fans...

No.27 BRADFORD CITY

What a shame football clubs don't get paid by results. We'd have got in almost free for most of the game (and the whole of most recent games methinks), and then gladly handed over £50 for the last ten minutes.

Might have been hard prising it out of the Bradford fans, though. They were miserable buggers. Dour, I think they call it, up north. Apart from one guy who clapped our lot at the end, the rest of them sloped off without a word. It may surprise you to know that quite a few fans will, grudgingly, acknowledge when they have been well beaten. Usually by nutting me, given half a chance. Their comments will range from, 'You deserved it', through 'Bloody ref', to '******sheep******', but at least they will acknowledge their defeat. This lot said 'nowt in true Yorkshire style. 'Nowt. Absolutely 'nowt. 'Nowt. It's a lovely word, that…'nowt.

Bread wi' nowt taken out. 

By 'eck I like it.

Back to Bradford wi' NOWT to show forrit. 

Yep, the word gets better every minute.

Fact is, they barely raised a shout through the whole match. I suppose they 'ad nowt to shout about. [OK, that's enough 'nowts and clouts - ed.] I don't often visit Hovisland. I think it's because of the Language Issue. And they take the piss out of us? 

As cup wins go. it hardly ranks wi' [stop it now - ed.] Arsenal, Porto, West Ham and so on, but it still felt good. I mean, the manner of it was good. A Bradford goal eight minutes from time, and half of us were thinking, 'Thank God, at least we'll get home before eleven'. But there were no mixed feelings when Andy got the equaliser and absolutely none when Carlos scored his cracker. When the dragon meets Saint George, I am always, but always, on the side of the little dragon. Do I hear shouts of 'born loser'? I don't care. Saint George may have vanquished the dragon, but where is he now? He ain't in the Vatican, that's for sure, not like young Davy of Dyfed. Tattooed on arses from Sunderland to Southampton, that's where George is now, mate. What sort of victory is that?

Actually, mention of Porto reminds me. I bet if you asked the average Bradford fan about that historic moment he would look at you in total bafflement. Mind you, that's how they looked at me anyway. But, if that victory had been achieved by Liverpool, say, or a 'small' English club like Stoke, for instance, it would be on our flamin' screens week after ruddy week. You know, like 1966 and all that. 

Memo to Sparky: If you want to make headlines in the Daily Mail, beat Brazil. Anything less and you may as well stay at home.

Memo to Sven: If you want to make headlines in the Daily Mail, shag somebody. Anybody. Even another Swede.

Memo back from Sven: Advice taken. It worked. Thank you.

Question: How many Asians are there in Bradford? Answer: lots -thousands. 

Question: How many Asians are there in a crowd of 300 Bradford fans? Answer: Three blokes and a little kid.

I often puzzle over this one. Racism will never be stamped out of football. It is the last bastion of tribalism. Sad, but true.

Question: What happens to a fan who is overheard calling an Asian player a 'Paki'?

Answer: He is warned and very frequently thrown out by police and/or stewards. Natch.

Question: What happens to a fan who is overheard calling a Welsh player a 'sheepshagger'?

Answer: 'Nowt.

COME ON SOMEBODY, 'TELL ME WHY?'